Sunday, August 21, 2011

Coming to Terms

I thought this weekend would bring me some peace of mind but instead wasquite a roller coaster ride. I haven’t been home for a few months and even with the efforts of my parents to convince me that matters must be taken by my own hands, it is only this time that I completely realize the things I have left behind and must come to terms.

Soul Sisters

Throughout my time in Cavite, I have considered three of my highschool friends as soul sisters, a brother from another mother. Me, Melcar, Ryan and Joan have faced challenges and success for more than a decade. 

Nobody crossed one’s path that did not receive induced karmic repercussions from us.

Thick as thieves, they say. Locally, we have been tagged a lot of other names: Familia Zaragosa, ang mga Sanggre, the Charmed Ones, and others, depending on the current mood and pop culture.

So you can imagine our excitement when we heard that our only fag hag will be giving birth. We didn’t expect that we’ll be seeing her child for the first time in a coffin. 

She passed away because of a weak heart just a few hours after being born.

I learned of this from Ryan and called up Joan immediately. Her voice was that of a defeated warrior who has lost her soul.

The three of us had work that time and weren’t available till the next day to attend the funeral.

The skies were gray that day. I thought the heavens would also shed tears for our lost, but no. As we walked in the slow path to the cemetery the sun shone as bright as it could as if trying to distract us from depression’s downward spiral.

Anna Aubrey, you will always be remembered by your mother and fairy godmothers.

Money Matters

Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness must have a trust fund.

It’s been six years since I’ve started working and four of those are in the BPO industry. I wish I could tell you that my financial management, personal and otherwise, resides on stable ground today.

Well, this is something that I am struggling to turn around. I’ve had my savings automatically deducted from my payroll account and invest it in an instrument that earns 8% per annum. There is also this small business some officemates are starting last quarter of the year.

It will take me three to five years from now to get proper capital for any major business ventures or investments.

Changing lifestyles is something that you need to have discipline and strong will and patience.

The family has started to get into some small businesses since my father retired last year. Things aren’t doing well as I have heard from other family members. My father has not yet spoken about these concerns.

I blame some part of this one me since I haven’t been around for the follow through. I had the impression that they’d still do fine in my absence while I tried to focus on myself.

Straight from the Heart

If you have been reading this blog, you should have noticed the love notes that I have posted from time to time dedicated to J. Unfortunately things didn’t turn out as I wanted them to be.

I don’t regret anything about us or what we had. And I have never felt this way for anyone before. Maybe one day I can talk about this, but definitely not yet.

In some ironic turn of events, another significant person [please refer to Vicious Cycle post] called me up in the wee hours in the morning, drunk.

So I met him up and he was with a friend from his neighborhood. After a few bottles of booze, what he told me took me by shock.

He elaborated his future plans and how I would fit in to them. We were talking about some businesses he wanted to start when he gets back. He already had projected clientele, location and possible vendors. I was really happy for him and his new found focus.

Then he started talking about how he wanted me to be there to make it work. I needed me to be part of his future and that I would always be the one person he’d never let go no matter what happens, that I was the only thing in his life that ever made sense. And what we have is something stronger than a romantic relationship.

He told me all the things I’ve always wanted to hear from him.

I simply asked him to let me go already.

I tried to explain to him that even though I cared for him, I won’t be by his side forever. It’s already unfair to his girlfriend that I know more about him than she does, that he trusts me more than her and that we have this connection every time we are together.

And for the first time, he cried.

Maybe it was just the alcohol but knowing him all these years I know him those were the tears of the fear and sadness of me not wanting to be part of him anymore.

I’ve wanted to hear those words for a long time and now that he has said them, I’m not willing to compromise anymore.

Just like what I have said before, there’s no such thing as halfway. People deserve to have the best of anything or nothing at all.

So how was your weekend?

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